By M. Faust

I had a lot of questions as I was watching Vampires of the Velvet Lounge . Most of them involved the incomprehensible plot (for lack of a better word). I also wondered how bored or desperate for work some of the name-value cast members (Mena Suvari, Stephen Dorff, Tyrese Gibson, Tom Berenger, Mark Boone Jr.) must have been to accept this job. But by the time all 105 minutes were over, the main question in my mind was: why in god’s name was taking up valuable screen space in theaters when it clearly deserved to premiere on Tubi? 

Here is the description being offered by its distributor: 

A coven of vampires is hunting on dating apps where they meet vampire hunters and schedule dates. The nights that unfold are action-packed modern horror madness.

Whoever wrote that syntactical mess needs to start looking for a new job ASAP, as they deserve to be replaced by AI. 

The story involves a coven of vampire women working out of an absinthe goth bar in Savannah, GA. Their leader is Elizabeth Bathory (Mena Suvari), whom the opening crawl refers to as “history’s most prolific serial killer.” They use dating apps to lure in out-of-town victims, presuming that not feeding on locals will keep them off the radar of local law enforcement.

They have, however, attracted the attention of an anti-vampire militia represented by Cora (Dichen Lachman of Severance), a former soldier now working as a mercenary. Because her superiors are taking a slow and steady approach, Cora has lots of time to muse about the bad decisions in her life that led her to this point. She never actually describes any of them, but the extreme vocal burn with which she narrates persuades us that she really feels bad. 

While Cora and her junior partner do whatever it is they’re doing, Elizabeth and her pals lure in a trio of business executives played by Stephen Dorff, Tyrese Gibson and a third guy whose name I didn’t catch. (Even the credits for this thing are incoherent.) The amount of time spent on their backstory might lead you to think that they will be a substantial part of the story. You would be wrong, though they do help pad out the movie’s running time. 

From the title, which echoes lesbian-themed movies of the 70s like The Velvet Vampire, Daughters of Darkness and Vampyros Lesbos, and the fact that this was released by Strand Releasing, for years a dependable source of independent gay cinema, you might presume that Vampires of the Velvet Lounge is filled with lesbian subtext. If you want to make that argument that’s your business, but any such text is really, really sub. If it’s supposed to be campy, I can only say that the filmmakers don’t understand the meaning of the word.  

In its favor, I will say that Suvari gives an energetic performance, and the location scout found suitably scenic spots in Savannah (not exactly a hard thing to do). I   would also say that the photography is subpar, but that might be due to the quality of the streaming screener I watched. The special effects, clearly the raison d’etre of the production, are from the school that regards the human body as a blood-filled balloon just waiting to spew gallons of gore when punctured.

If you must watch it, wait until they get a copy at the Merry Shelly, Buffalo’s own absinthe goth bar (did you even know we had one?), where I am sure it will become a camp classic.